Top 10 don'ts of clubbing

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Professor Wolfgang here, prepared to shed some light on that tricky topic: How to Behave in a Club. After a recent evening at a local dance joint, I suggest the world of clubbing would be a happier place if we all agreed on a few key points.

10. No bare feet. I raise my right hand and confess I’ve done it too. You’re out in the sexiest heels and the DJ’s too good for you to leave the floor. Okay, you can have one freebie night with the take-your-shoes-off thing, but don’t make it your night-out M.O. There are cute flats out there. Make sure you’re wearing them or have them stowed in a bag next time.

9. No random screaming. I understand. You got to come out tonight, you’re having a great time, and you’re probably a little plastered. Sing along with the music if you must, but really, Tarzan? You gotta be louder than everyone else? 

8. Leave your suit jacket at home. Or at least in the car. If it looks like you just came from the office, you’re all but screaming that you don’t come here often, so you’re not here to dance, so what are you here for? Try to look like you’re there to dance.

7. Don’t get in your own world. Dancing can be a zen thing, totally. And if you’re dancing with someone you’re really into, paying attention to what’s going on around you can be a challenge. Thou art not forgiven. Be prepared to move around to fill open space and not crowd that poor single person into a corner. Even if that means breaking up that circle thing you’ve got going on with your friends.

6. No breakdancing. You do an impressive worm, we get it. But don’t take over the dance floor with your flailing feet as your shoulders polish the wood. Bring a board and do it outside where the people who want to stand around and talk can watch you. The people dancing are not those people.

5. No making out on the floor. If you have a penchant for hooking up with those wonderful personages you meet at a club, groovy, baby. All I ask is that you try not to rape each other while the rest of us are trying to dance. It’s awkward. Get a booth if a room is too expensive.

4. No means no means no. To the sharks standing on the periphery of the floor, watch the language of the body you’re watching. Chances are you can tell if she’ll dance with you before you approach her. If she’s grinding on her friends, go for it. If she’s actually really dancing, best to look elsewhere unless you too intend to actually dance. (Pro tip: Smashing bodies together does not equal dancing.)

3. You’re not paparazzi. I know I’m in public and I know you’re covering the event. I’m okay with your telephoto lens from the edge of the floor. It’s when you’re in the middle of the floor with your camera in my face that I start to get less happy.

2. No full drinks on the floor. Wait until that baby’s about half gone if you must carry your libation into the dancing mob. No one wants to slosh through a puddle of your Stella Artois and saliva cocktail.

And the No. 1 don’t of dancing at a club:

1. No standing on the dance floor. You just successfully elbowed your way through a packed crowd to stand in the middle of the dance floor and watch. Dude. You’re in the way and none of the girls like you. 

Print this out, tape it to the fridge, tattoo it on your hand. We’re all in this together.

Happy clubbing!

Chris Wolfgang is a freelance writer for newspaper and magazine. She is loving the entrepreneurial spirit of Omaha and will discuss comics or sci-fi any time.