On Loving Pets...and Losing Them

One of the things we have done - as a family - (I’m Dr. Finch’s sister in law) is to have funerals for our pets, from the rats to the dogs. We are blessed to have a rural acerage where we can have a little pet cemetary. We are blessed to have a family who believes “all dogs go to heaven”, so we are able to have that closure. We all gather around the dearly departed, just as with human funerals, and cry and pray over our pet. We say goodbye, we mark their little graves and we have closure. I know some people think it’s silly, but the kids especially have closure and can say goodbye to their fur-friends.

Excellent post as always, Shawn! <3 you!

This is the best article yet. Losing my Spunky was by far the worst because I didn’t make the choice in time to let her go to Heaven and she choose to save me the pain. And the guilt was awful. But I have the best family ever, one of who happens to be my favorite vet (Dr. Shawn)and who shared that book with me. I’m crying now remembering her. And it’s been 10 yrs!.
Keep writing, you are AWESOME!!!

Dr. Shawn Finch wrote: The “traditional” five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance)…

Those “stages” were in people who were facing their own death, not those grieving a death. Please read William Worden, Therese Rando, Kenneth Doka, and other researchers who have published in the last 10 to 15 years. Also, a child’s developmental stage is important in how adults around them speak with her/him about a death.

Thank you for your good intentions, Dr., but please update your understandings so you can give people accurate information.

Good Morning… My humble opinion again….

I think any person taking the time to help others with grief should be commended. It takes time and effort to write about grief and reference it. A vet would be an excellent source of grief support in my opinion, and one of the first places I would go if I lost a beloved pet.

I understand that the writings of people, for people grief may be different, but let’s put differences aside and know that the end result is helping someone who has had a loss, be it human or pet. The ones left behind are the ones who need help and that I believe, was the point of this article.

Thanks Dr. Shawn Finch whom I have never met for trying to help others with pet loss grief support.
This is a very important issue for many who feel their animals are like family.

Thank you also “Grief Support Professional” for your kindness and understanding of this very sensitive topic. It’s good that you let us know that we don’t have the same feelings at times as those who are facing their own death do, but somehow… I do remember feeling some of those exact traits in the loss of some of my beloved animals… Not denial, but Anger because they could no longer be helped, bargaining because maybe if I bargained, they could stay with us a little bit longer, depression when the we finally had to let go, and finally acceptance when the inevitable came about…

Thank you both for talking about the fact that grief is a part of life and we do need to find ways to work through it, cope with it… The more it is talked about, the better it is for those who need help to find it and find they can talk about it and work their way through it….

Jo
 http://whimzicals.com

I lost my beautiful pug in January of this year. She was 18 years old and I had her for 15 years. Needless to say she was a huge part of my life, and I miss her everyday. I had to make that incredibly painful decision, and yes, I felt guilt for it, I also felt guilt that maybe I waited longer than I should have to do it, but I finally came to terms with it, because I knew that I couldn’t have loved her anymore than I did, and her well being was always my main concern.

I was heartbroken..but after some healing time, I have brought another dog into my life, this time a puppy. She came home on August 13th, almost 7 months after my loss. I am a dog person, and I needed & wanted that presence in my life, it just took me a little while to jump in again. I have fully jumped in, I am even blogging the whole experience!!

The Dog Ten Commandments (#10) was very helpful for me:
 http://www.scrapbook.com/poems/doc/4564/33.html

Many warm and gentle hugs… This most difficult journey for the humans to part with their furry friends. We’ll light a candle here on Monday night to remember Fuzzy Rat…

I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Fuzzy Rat wasn’t met at the bridge by a passel of little Yorkies. They’ll show Fuzzy Rat the way around, where the coldest freshest water is, where the peanut butter and cheese bushes grow and where the fun places to play chase and run are. All creatures great and small get along at the bridge. Fuzzy will have much company and good health once again.

Run with the winds now Fuzzy Rat and run free……

Jo, Winnie Pooh and Dakota Summer
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 http://whimzicals.com

As a grief counselor who also specializes in pet loss, I hope you’ll permit me to address the comments about the work of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, famous author of the book “On Death and Dying.” Since that book was first published (in 1969), many people have taken her findings much too literally, expecting the dying process to occur in neatly ordered stages, one following the other. As wonderful as her groundbreaking work in death and dying was, her “stages” model was never meant to apply to those who are in mourning. Her studies were focused on patients who were terminally ill and dying. Unfortunately, this is a common mistake that is found repeatedly in the literature still today. But there has been a wealth of research done since Kubler-Ross’ pioneering work that focuses specifically on bereavement, loss and grief. We now know that grief is the normal response to the death of a loved one, whether that is a person or a cherished companion animal, and it doesn’t happen in neatly ordered “stages” as such. Most of us who specialize in grief counseling understand and prefer to think of grief as the personal experience of the loss, and mourning as a process (not a single event) that can affect us in every dimension of our lives: physical, emotional, social, spiritual and financial. Everyone’s grief journey is unique, and there is no specific time-frame for it. The problem with adhering to the Stages theory is that many bereaved folks soon discover that it simply does not fit their experience, which often leads them to conclude that there is something wrong with them, as if they’re “not doing it right.” There simply is no right or wrong way to “do” grief ~ there is only OUR way, and we each must discover that for ourselves. Although grief is different for each individual, having the support of others and knowing what reactions to expect and how to manage them can be very helpful.

Hi Marty. Sometimes having the “stages” to reference as a starting point helps during grief over losing pets, though I realize they were originally meant to help people process their own death. People are taken back when they experience anger during grief (I thought I would just be sad…) for example. I think anything that help us cope is wonderful - not the beginning and end of grief, just another tool.

You are right - there is no right or wrong way to grieve. We have lost five pets in the last several months and I have had to come back to some of the things that have helped clients and friends in the past!

I have processed this season a bit “outloud” on my website, but mostly just day-by-day at home - I have found having friends and family surround me has been so helpful.

Go to http://petloss.com and you can write a memorial for your pet and you can join others lighting candles on Monday nights… Your Missy is running in the green fields of the Rainbow Bridge now, once again healthy and feeling no pain or illness… Blessings…

Well, it’s Tammy again,I’m from Omaha, NE. it’s been 1 week to the day since my Rat Terrier OG died. I loved her with all my heart and miss her terribly! I will never get over this. She was first diagnosed with Anemia on June 29th 2013 she was put on Prednisone, well, on Tuesday Aug. 13th she got sick and on the 14th she was taken to the pet hospital and died the next day. I’m not looking to blame anyone, but I’m not exactly happy with the service at the vet clinic. The only thing I know is to write about her to keep her alive. I miss her terribly. I haven’t had the best of luck lately either, I need a job. I have done medical billing and worked every position in the office. I have a BS in Communications with my 2ndary area in medical an psych….anyway enough about me…I’m here mainly to talk about OG. Well, apparently she had cancer throughout her body, but we did not know it. I really would like to talk with people that love their pets as much as I do and consider their pets their babies like me. It won’t be long and it will be a month, year and so on since she has died. Sometimes I ask myself if there really is a god, why do we all suffer??? Why do we all have to experience pain? I will never, ever get past this. I have a memorial at my house. I put in a corner a picture of her, her collar, her urn and her foot prints I have. I feel I have to keep her alive that way cuz I never want to forget her. I’m 48 years old and it never gets easier, it all depends on how much you love your pet and how much they really mean to you! I hope others can reach out to me about their situation and maybe we can help each other by talking an trying to understand. I love you OG with all my heart and if I could have you with me right now, that would be the case!

Please contact me if you would like to talk about what your going thru as well!

I won’t list my phone number here, but you can email me at tammyvirgilito [at] yahoo [dot] com and we can go from there. Like I said I live in Omaha, NE. and if you happen to live there better yet. If anyone lives out of the USA probably shouldn’t contact because we can’t talk on the phone and can’t meet in person ever so better just to stick to our own countries

Thanks for reading!